Chapter 5- Making Progress.. Almost

"To love is to risk not being loved in return.  To hope is to risk pain.  To try is to risk failur, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing."



“Charlie, what are you doing here?” I asked in utter shock.

“Well, um.. you ran into .. I mean I ran into you today and it kind of knocked you over and well um.. you hit your head and um…” he started to explain.

“I know what happened, but Doddie said the ambulance wouldn’t let you come.” I interrupted.

“Well, they wouldn’t, but I have a car and it has four wheels, so I drove myself.   Is it ok that I am here?”
“Yes, its fine.”
“You seemed annoyed to see me.”
“NO, no, I was just surprised is all. Does Doddie know you are here?”
“Ya, she met me at the door.  She told me it was ok to come and see you.  She said you were awake and back to being your sassy self.  Her wording ,not mine.”
“Ah, yes, she would say that wouldn’t she”

“So now may not be a good time, but I was hoping we could talk.  I know that maybe things aren’t super clear right now, but I am going crazy without you.”
“Charlie, first of all, I just want to say, I am so sorry for ignoring you for the past few days.  I just don’t know what to think.  I don’t know what to say.  I don’t know how I feel.  I am so confused. “

“That’s ok, I understand.”
“No, it’s not ok.  We have been almost best friends for a long time and it’s not ok for me to just walk away from you.  I am just so unsure of how I feel and I don’t want to hurt you.”

Sadness filled his eyes.  Looking back now, I realize why, but at the time I didn’t understand.   I was telling him the truth about how I really felt and he was moping.  What was wrong with him?

“So what do we do now?” He asked.

“I think we should go back to being friends.  I like you so very much, but after the other night, I’m not sure dating is the way I want to go.  I am not telling you it will never happen, it’s just right now, I am confused and I don’t know what I want,” I replied.

“Ya, friends sound good.  It’s better than nothing right?” He said.

“I’m sorry Charlie, I really am,” I said as if a thousand apologies could make him feel better.

“Hey, don’t worry about it. I will leave you to get some rest.  Talk to you tomorrow,” He said walking backwards out the door.

“So, I take it you two aren’t getting married anytime soon huh?” Doddie asked shortly following Charlie’s departure.

“How did you guess?” I asked sarcastically.

“Well, the frown on your face didn’t point to clearly in that direction, but I think it was the tears in his eyes that were the deal breaker for me.”
“He was crying?  Oh my goodness. “

“Was that a, I am so annoyed oh my goodness, or an, I feel so bad oh my goodness?”

“Both.  I hate making men cry.  I heard once that it’s not good for their self-esteem.  But, at the same time I was honest with him.  What more can he ask of me?”

“When you say honest, you mean what exactly?”

“I mean, I told him that I didn’t know how I felt about him and I think we should be friends for now.”

“Friends? Oh Rorey, you hate when people say that.  That’s even worse than telling him that you don’t like him sweet heart.”

“Why, it’s the truth.  I don’t know how I feel about him. There is this part of me that likes him a lot and wants to spend all my time with him.  But, then there is this part of me that’s like I couldn’t marry him.”

“Rorey, you are only 16, no one is asking for your hand in marriage here.”
“So you’re saying you think I should give it a try?”

“I am saying you need to assess the situation for what it is, and that is not a marriage, it’s just a boyfriend.”

“So you do think I should date him?”

“That’s up for you to decide.”

“What about the mysterious person that is in love with me?”

“Rorey, I am your best friend, so I am going to be honest with you here.  The “great friend that loves you” you don’t love.”

“How do you know?”
“Because, is there anyone you secretly love?”

“Well, no.  But, that doesn’t mean I won’t love them when I find out who it is.”

“Love doesn’t work that way Rorey.  You can’t love someone for their looks, name, or status.  You have to love them for them and by the looks of it, the only one you have on your mind right now is Charlie.  You have let this mystery lover boy come between you and your common sense.  There is a boy driving home right now that would run into your arms if you snapped your figures.  Its time you stop playing games with him Rorey.  You have got to get this figured out.”

She left me with that.  I was angry at her for the first ten minutes I was left alone, but then I came to my senses.  What had I been thinking? Doddie was right.  Charlie cared about me so much, and here I was blowing him off like that kind of offer comes around every day.  But, I really didn’t know if I wanted to date him.  I felt like that was an honest answer.  I mean I didn’t know how I felt the night we held hands and I didn’t get the note till the next day.   So, quite honestly I didn’t think I was being unfair in my thinking.  Oh, things will look better in the morning, they always do right? 

I woke up the next morning in a weird place.  I remembered that I was in the hospital when that annoying nurse came back in with her chipper state of mind.  I was half tempted to ask her what she put in her coffee, but she beat me to the punch line by stating that she was so glad she had given up coffee, the mornings were so much brighter without it.  It was at that point I officially knew she was crazy.  I checked out of the hospital that day and went home.  When I got home I realized it had been a couple of days since I had checked my email.  When I got on I had several new emails from several different people.  Mike emailed me and asked how I was doing. Charlie emailed me several times.  He asked me if I was feeling better, when I thought I would be home from the hospital and back to school, if I was mad at him, if we could talk again soon, if I ever thought we could be more than friends, and if we thought we could talk again soon, and yes I am aware that I already said that, but he asked me that twice.  I replied to Mike.  I figured I could leave Charlie for a little bit; I wasn’t sure which question to answer first and none of them really sounded too appealing.  I showered and made my way to the kitchen.   I had forgotten how hungry I really was.  You know in the movies when they say that hospital food is gross, they really aren’t exaggerating.  It truly is nasty.  Jell-O and Sprite really hadn’t cut it for me.  I dug out some salad, cut up some chicken and cheese, crushed up some crackers and made myself a good salad.  As I sat eating, thoughts of Charlie kept running through my head.  The conversation with Doddie kept gnawing at me. 
“You don’t really love this so called friend that “loves” you.”

She was probably right, but what if we fell in love.  Is it possible to truly fall in love with someone, only after finding out that they loved you first?  Oh, who was I kidding, of course it was.   How did I really feel about Charlie?  I got butterflies in my stomach when I saw him in my room at the hospital.  You know the kind that fly around in your stomach and take your breath away.  He was so handsome standing there look so sorry and sad.  He was especially cute when he started explaining to me what had happened today as if I was sitting in the hospital for some unknown reason to me.  He was cute, so what was it about him that made me question my feelings.  It seemed like things should be so clear, but for some reason there was too much hesitation in me to go forward without feeling like something just wasn’t right.  Why did things have to be complicated? Maybe things would be easier if I was more of a black and white person.  Maybe I should be clearer cut and that would do the trick.  But, how do you just make yourself black and white?  I was full of colors, in fact I was like a rainbow, and there was no washing machine that could get that color out.  I was simply born with it.  As these crazy thoughts were running through my head there was a knock on my door. 

“Who is here?” I thought.  “Mom and Dad are going to be gone until next week and Emma was working until tomorrow morning.”

“Coming,” I yelled.

My jaw nearly hit the ground when I opened that door. 

“What is he doing here?”