Chapter 4 - Broken Hearts

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start to day and make a new ending.

Maria Robinson

The thoughts that ran through my head were endless.  When did that note get put on my windshield? How did the wind not blow it away? What would have happened if it had rained? What if someone would have taken it? What if someone would have read it? Maybe someone did read it? Who would they tell? What would they think? I drove home as thousands of questions similar to the ones above ran through my mind.  My heart sank as I thought about what torture tomorrow could possibly bring. 
After I got home and my family sat down for dinner, the question finally came to my head.  You would think it would be the first thing that ran through my head, but the questions of who was in my business and what ifs consumed me first.  As I was sitting at the dinner table, my family all around me having a pleasant "how was your day conversation" it hit me. 
"Who wrote it?" came out louder than I had ever expected.
My entire family stopped eating and looked at me.
"Rorey, who wrote what?" my Dad asked.
"Um.. nothing sorry, just thinking out loud," I replied flushed.
"That was not nothing, you have been out of it all night," my Mom chimed in.
"Sorry," I replied. "I have just been stressed today is all.  I have a huge English test tomorrow so I am reviewing authors in my head," I lied.
Dinner passed slowly it seemed.  I quickly emptied my half eaten food in the garbage and retired to my room to "study". 
My sister Emma came in a few short minutes later.  Emma was 22 years old.  She was an OB nurse at the hospital about thirty five mintues away.  She was engaged to a wonderful man named Rob and they were going to be getting married in one short month.  She decided to live with us during that month to get all of her belongings gathered before they moved into their first house together after the wedding.  She was so wise and good at giving advice it was always good to talk to her.
"What’s up?" She asked.
"Nothing much," I said as I quickly slid the note under my notebook and pretended to be knee deep in studying. "Just studying for that test I was telling you about."
"I see, I guess I don’t remember there being a big test about lots of authors this early on in the year.  I thought you guys were writing research papers.  Didn’t you choose a hot news topic to write about?"
"Alright, fine, you caught me.  I am not studying for an English test."
"What was all that about at dinner then?"
I told her the whole story about Charlie.  Then, I drug the note out from under my book and handed it to her.  As I sat there and waited for the estimate on the damage tears filled my eyes.  Two days ago I was innocent Rorey.  Charlie and I were friends.  No one that I didn’t know about didn’t love me.  Now, Charlie and mine friendship is in the ruins and someone, and no one knows who loves me. The whole situation was a bit overwhelming.
"Rorey, I know this seems incredibly crazy to you right now.  Probably even a bit overwhelming.  But my advice to you is this.."
"Wait!" I interrupted. "Let me get my notebook out so I can take notes."
"Oh Rorey," She chuckled. "My advice to you is just to take a step back and breathe.  Before you do anything you might regret you need to look at the big picture.   You need to figure out how you feel before you jump head first.  Most importantly you need to pray about this.  I can give you advice, Mike can give you advice, and Doddie can give you advice, but the truth of the matter is, the one you need to be seeking advice from is God.  I love you Rorey and I am here to talk if you ever want to."
"Thanks Emma.  I will remember that."
Sleep didn’t come easy that night.  I tossed and turned as I pictured Charlie's sad eyes looking at me in despair, running and talking with Mike, the note on my windshield.  I had an epiphany about 1:30 a.m.  I would look at the hand writing!  What a little Nancy Drew I had become!  I shot up in bed and flipped on my lamp.  I drug out the note and looked intently at it.  Of course I recognized the hand writing!  That was so Times New Roman!  I forgot in the midst of my brilliant plan that the note had been typed!
The alarm went off way sooner than I thought it should have.  I drug myself out of bed and into the shower.  For the first half of my morning routine I had forgotten about everything that had happened in the past 48 hours.  After my shower I went to the kitchen for my morning cup of coffee and devotion.  See its always been a good system.  My dad owns a hardware store and my mom a diner so they both leave for work about 6:30 in the morning.  They always leave me a big pot of coffee and Emma a big glass of milk!  She drinks her milk and reads the paper at 6:45 and I drink my coffee and read my devotion at 7:00.  Thus giving us each our own time in the kitchen.
The way to school was just as stressful as the day before the only difference was I couldn’t talk to myself because Lukas was riding with me.  Lukas is a good friend I grew up with.  Normally, I would pour out my heart to him, but today I didn’t feel like it.  After we got to school we both got out of the car and went to get our bags out of the back.
"Rorey, are you ok? You seem kind of down or distracted this morning?" He asked.
"OH, Im fine Lukas.  Thanks though.  I will see you later," I replied.
"Ok. Bye."
I busied myself with pointless things that morning, you know the type, things that really don’t need to be done, but they pass the time and make it so you don’t have to talk to people.  Charlie was around in a couple of classes, but I was so busy working on things I didn’t really notice him.  At lunch Mike caught me.
"Hey how’s the morning going?" He asked.
"Oh good, I got so much figured out!"
"Really? What did you decide?"
"Well, I decided the social work program at Idaho State University is not as good as the one in Minnesota.  I also called my future boss and set up an interview for next year.  Finally, and probably the most wonderfully, I planned my wedding.  Yep, set a date, figured out my colors, called the bridal store set up a trying dresses on session, talk to the flower shop about flowers that might be available in the fall ten years from now, and talked to my brides maids and got their dress sizes!"
"Wow, that good huh?  Have you figured out anything about the present yet?"
"You just had to burst my bubble huh?"
"I’m sorry,"
"It’s ok.  No, I haven’t.  Still thinking.  Hey did I tell you about the note I found last night on my car. It said something like "We have been good friends for a long time and we talk about everything, but one thing I have never told you is that I love you," isn’t that crazy?"
"It sounds like you have a secret admirer," he replied calmly.
"How can you be so calm about this? Let’s regroup shall we.  I held hands with a guy I have liked for three months and now I can't even talk to him.  Me talking to you is killing him and in the midst of it all there is some random person out there who loves me.  Chances are if I didn’t know they loved me I probably am not going to know if I love them back," I said with my voice raising higher with each word I spoke.
"Rorey, you’re going to be fine.  I don’t think you can just assume you aren’t going to love them.  They obviously are good friends with you if that’s what they said in the note."
"Well, if they are such great friends they should know that this is not the time to be confusing me with things called loved when I don’t even know how I feel about Charlie."
"Not everyone knows what happened with Charlie, Rorey."
"Right, but even if this "good friend" didn’t know about what happened with Charlie, if they are such "good friends" they should know that I like him.  That isn’t something new."
"I have to go to the office and pick up some clothes my Mom was going to drop off for me for gym class.  I will talk to you after school."
As he walked away I couldn’t really make sense of the conversation. Did he know who put that note on my window? If so, why didn’t he tell me?
I went to math class and sat through a long lecture on why our government is in ruins.  Sometimes our math teacher would get distracted and we wouldn’t actually have to do math.  We would talk about what’s going on in the world, the school, or our lives.  As I was walking out of math class I guess I was putting something in my notebook and I ran into Charlie.  Not like "hey how’s it going?".  I mean I quite literally ran into him.  I woke up to someone rubbing my head.  Let me give you a quick rundown of how I feel about doctors.  I hate when people touch me without reason.  You know like when you say my toe hurts and they are feeling around on your stomach.  Like maybe something I ate earlier was causing my big toe to have pains for the past few weeks!  I hate when people ask me the same question more than once as if I have a short memory and I am going to reply different than I didn’t two minutes ago! And finally I hate the simply white gowns they put you in!  Therefore conclusively you might be able to interpret that I HATE doctors! 
When I opened my eyes it was Doddie who was rubbing my head.
"You’re lucky you’re not a doctor, or you would so not be touching me right now little missy," I joked.
"Oh my gosh your awake, and your back. She’s back. Her sass and all!" she exclaimed to no one in particular.
"What happened to me?"
"Well, you know that guy you have been avoiding for the past couple of days.  You ran into him.  Not like hey how ya doing, but like literally.  And you weren’t expecting the collision to happen so when it did you lost your balance and hit your head on Max's books he was carrying and then hit the floor.  You hit your head pretty hard and it make you go blank."
"Go blank!  This is the girl who wants to be a doctor and you are using words like "go blank"!
We laughed hysterically for a bit.
"Did I hurt him?" I asked.
"Hurt who?"
"Well, Charlie or Max? Wait.. who is Max?"
"Max is the new kid from Wyoming.  You have been too preoccupied with Charlie to meet him. But, yes he is fine. 
"How about Charlie?"
"You just broke his heart, its ok,"
"His heart! Oh my goodness is he ok? Is he here? Did he have a heart attack? What did I do?"
"Rorey, relax.  Not physically, mentally.  You broke his heart as in he is so sad about things that are going on between you guys.  He actually cried when the first responders picked you up off the floor.  He felt so bad he begged them to let him come."
"Did they let him?"
"No."
"Oh."
"Rorey, you really have to get this figured out.  You are killing him and yourself."
"I didn’t break his heart all the way right? Its still mendable?"
"I don’t know.  I guess that is something you will have to ask him."
Just then a nurse bounced in like a rainbow bouncy ball out of a quarter machine at the mall. She made Doddie leave so she could take my blood pressure, pulse, and respirations without any distractions.  She proceeded to tell me that the white gown with blue stars that I love so dearly much brought out the green in my eyes, which I found interesting since my eyes are blue. 
After she left the door opened.  I expected it to be Doddie so I closed my eyes and said aloud, "Oh what are we going to do?"
My eyes flew open when the response was a male voice that replied "I'm not sure.  I guess thats something we need to figure out."

Chapter 3- The Plan

The next three periods seem to drag on and on!  It seems as if, if one is in a hurry to do something, time passes as slowly as possible!  But, muchto my surprise, lunch did come three hours later.  My plan that I was so excited about three hours ago no longer seemed near as appealing.  I decided I should probably think this one through.  I didn’t think things through last night and that got me in trouble, I wasn’t about to do that again.  I was just not that kind of person... or at least I didn’t think I was. At my locker I saw Mike. 
He came up and said "Hey, are you ready to roll? I am starving!"
"I was born ready," I said laughing nervously as I looked around to make Charlie didn’t see what was going on.
Unfortunately, it was too late.  Charlie came over to see what was going on. 
"Hey guys, what’s going on?" He asked in his oh so lovely concerned voice.
"Nothing," I blurted out faster than I meant to.
"We are just going to go grab a bite to eat," Mike answered.
"Oh, so this was your lunch plan?" Charlie asked curiously.
"Well actually..." Mike started.
"Yes, this was the plan; we got to go, talk to you later." I interrupted.
"What was all that about?" Mike asked.
"Nothing," I said in an exhausted voice.
"Ya and I am Santa Clause.  Good try, but you my friend, have a lot of explaining to do." He exclaimed.
"Yes, I do.  And you have a lot of advice to give!" I replied."Shoot- I would say I have all day, but lunch is only 45 minutes long and I have a huge math test next period I can’t be late for."
So, I proceeded to tell him the whole story.  Him being friends with Charlie would make this weird in most cases.  Thankfully, in our case, this wasn't the case.
"So, what are you going to do?" He asked when I had finished the entire story making sure to leave no details out.
"That’s what I was hoping you could help me with," I answered.
"What do you mean help you with?"
"Well I mean like, well, actually, um, well ya know, um." I staggered.
"Um, no I really don’t.  Would you care to fill me in?" He replied.
"Well, I have been thinking," I said slowly.
"Oh boy, that’s never good," he sarcastically replied.
"WHY is that EVERYONE's reply to me?" I said in a joking voice.
"HAHAH well, Ror, you think all the time, that’s all.  Sometimes we think you should just do something without over thinking it," he said.
"Without thinking huh... Hmm... Maybe I will," I said with dignity and power in my voice.
"Oh boy, what are you thinking?" He asked.
"I'm not; I am just going to jump.  Ready one, two three, I am a jumpin'" I answered.
"Well, can you tell me where you plan on landing so we can be there to catch you," he said.
"How clever of answers you have! today  You’re a nerd," I said.
"Your right I am, but that’s why we are friends, great minds think alike!" He replied cleverly.
"Oh, you’re good," I said with laughter in my voice.
"There is the normal smile you have been missing today," He said.
"Ya, you have a way of making me laugh," I replied.

RING!         

"Well, good luck on your math test," I said in a hurried voice.
"Just because that bell rang, and I have to go take that math test, does not mean you are off the hook little missy," He lectured.
"Well, thanks Dad, I will be sure to get back to you," I smirked.
"Talk to you after school," He said.
"I think I have plans," I replied as I was walking away.
"Um, ya right, good try, just like you "had plans for lunch" this morning before school started.  I know how well you make unexpected planned plans! We are so talking after school." He laughed.
"Fine, you got me.  Sometimes I wish you didn’t pay such close attention!" I exclaimed.
"You like and you know it!" He said.
"You’re a nerd," I chuckled.
"Right back at ya kid!" He said jokingly as he walked away.
"Well that went well," I thought to myself.
I reached down into my locker to grab a pencil.  Charlie came up behind me and blew in my ear.  Ok, let’s get a few things straight shall we.  First and for most if you are EVER trying to win over a girls affection, don’t blow on her.  That’s gross.  Second of all, well, there really is not second of all, but that first of all was pretty important. 
"Hey Rorey, are you busy after school? I was hoping we could maybe go for a walk or something and talk for a bit," He asked.
"Um, actually I have plans after school," I said.
"Oh, ok, well, what are you doing? If you don’t mind me asking. Maybe when can hang out when you’re finished.  I can wait for as long as you want me to," He said in sad, but sweet voice.
Guilt trickled over me.  I knew I couldn’t lie to him again.  I mean I really did have plans to hang out with Mike.   I also knew Mike would not only understand, but would probably push me to talk to Charlie.  He had told me at lunch that talking is the best policy.  It gets all those stupid things called feelings out there in the open.  But, I just wasn’t ready to talk to him.  I didn’t know what I wanted to say.  I didn’t know what my next move was going to be.  Looking back I should have talked to him first.  But, I decided I was going to figure things out with my plan first before consulting him about ours. 
"Actually, Mike and I are going to go for a run," I answered.
"OH, how long will that take?" He asked with disappointment practically dripping from his mouth.
"Um, I don’t know, probably and hour or so, but then I have to get home.  I promised my Mom I would help her get stuff ready.  My grandma is coming to visit in a few days." I responded quickly.
"Oh, ok, well maybe some other time," He said with his head down.
"I am sorry Charlie," I said.  And by sorry, I wasn’t sure if I meant I was sorry for blowing him off, or if I was sorry for starting this in the first place.
"Oh, it is ok Rorey, it’s no big deal, really, just wanted to talk about stuff, but your busy and that’s fine," He said sadly.
"Well, thanks for understanding," I said apologetically.
He walked away with his head down.  It is possible there were even a tear of two lingering in his eyes, I am not sure.  I felt bad.  What was wrong with me?  How could I see him like that and still have the nerve to just walk away?  I had to talk to him.  But, first I had to get things straight in my head. 
The rest of the day was somewhat of a blur.  I was out of it.  I was in English class and my teacher asked me when Shakespeare was born.  I didn’t know.  Who cares when Shakespeare was born?  I was going through a midlife crisis at the age of 16.  I had held hands with a guy I wasn’t sure I cared about, and now I can’t dig up the guts to deal with it. 
Finally, the final bell of the day rang.  Relief flooded over me.  I couldnt get out of this place fast enough! I still hadn’t found time to tell Doddie about what was up.  But I didn’t have time now; I had a running date with Mike.  I went to the locker room, threw on some running clothes, tied my shoes, and put my hair in a ponytail.  A good run would help calm my nerves. 
“Ready?” Mike asked as we met outside the locker room.
“I was born ready, remember?” I laughed.
“Oh, yes I forgot,” he laughed sarcastically.
We ran for a long time.  When we finally reached the park neither one of us could breathe. We found a shade tree and dropped tiredly to the ground. 
“What do I do now?” I asked.
“I don’t know, that’s something you need to decide,” he replied wisely.
“How about you tell me, then I won’t have to decide,” I said hopefully.
“Rorey, you are a smart and amazing girl.  You held hands with a guy you have liked all summer long.  Now, you are asking me to tell you what your next move is.  I can’t.  That is something you yourself have to decide.  I will tell you, like I said earlier, talking is the best policy.  It’s the only way to get everything out in the open. ” he said in a smart and wise tone. 
“So, basically, the longer I run away from talking, the more I am hurting him?” I asked.
“Yes, exactly,” He nodded.
“When did you become so wise?” I asked jokingly.
“Well, when I met you, I started reading advice giving books,” He laughed.
“You are so funny,” I said while punching him in the arm.
“I know, I learn from the best,” he joked.
“Gosh, you are just on a roll today brat!” we laughed.
“I suppose we better get back, we have been gone for like two hours,” he observed.
“Sounds like a good plan Sam.”

We ran back to the school.  I said my farewells to Mike and ran into the locker room to change my shoes.  I threw on my boots, grabbed my bag and proceeded to my car.  I was just about to the door when I heard my name.            
  

“Rorey, wait up,” Charlie called.

“Oh, darn it,” I thought to myself.

“I thought you were going home hours ago,” he said.

“Well, we ran for a little longer than I hoped, but I am on my way now,” I said as I kept walking.

“Oh, so you are going home now?” Charlie asked.

“Yes, talk to you tomorrow,” I responded more coldly then I meant to.

“Ya, I hope so,” Charlie said sadly.

I walked away quickly.  Again I came to the same question.  What was wrong with me? I am killing him, that much is obvious, and here I am running away, giving him no comfort at all.  All he wanted was to talk, and I couldn’t even offer him that much.

When I got to my car I unlocked it, through my stuff in the back, and climbed in the front seat.  Just as I was about to start the car I noticed there was a note in my windshield wiper.  I got out to grab it.  When I opened it, it said

“Dear Rorey,

We have been good friends for a long time now.  We tell each other everything, but there is one thing I have never told you.  I love you.  

Love,

Anonymous

                                                                                                                                                                                     

Chapter 2 - The run

"The most important thng in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in."

Morrie Schwartz

As you can imagine, there really isn't much room to run on a bus. Especially when there are like twenty five other people on the bus that have no idea whats going on.  We drove for what seemed like hours.  When we finally arrived home, I was the first person to get off that bus.  I ran to my car and drove, well lets just say, well over the 65 miles per hour speed limit, to get home as quickly as possible.  I find it interesting the amount of comfort you find in your own home. It;s like walking through the front door and smelling your normal "home smell" is going to make all your problems flush neatly town the toilet with no clogging problems. When I finally got home and got past the grilling from the parents, you know the type, "Hi honey, how was your day?", "What did you do?", "What did you learn?", "Who was there?" as if they are really going to put a face to the name of 50 teenage students they have never met that live six hours away!  So, after the endless questions, I proceeded to lock myself in my room.  I laid in bed replaying the events in my head over and over again.  I couldn't decide if I felt bad because I freaked out, or if I was completely overwhelmed because me, Rorey, little innocent Rorey, stepped outside her comfort zone and held hands on school bus.  Oh my, what a rebel I had became.  Who knew what could be next.  I could be holding hands in school, kissing under the bleachers in the gym, or professing my love to a boy in the depths of the deserted library after school hours.  None of these sounded like viable options to me.  I knew what I had to do.  It wasn't going to be easy, not for me or Charlie.  But, I knew the consequences of proceeding were going to be far worse than the consequences of facing the truth.  Sleep didn't come easy that night.  I kept replaying the events of the day in my head.  I didn't know how Charlie's reaction would be.  In fact, I didn't know how I myself felt about the whole deal. 
The next day I repeated my speech over and over to myself, on my way to school.
 "Now Charlie you know how much I care about you." No, now, was never a good way to start a conversation.
 "Charlie, you are a great friend." Oh that stupid friend word.  I hated when people did that.  I think we should just be friends.  As if we aren't already friends.  But the truth was, that is what I really how I felt. 
When I finally arrived at school, I dreaded going in.  I wasn't sure what things were going to be like.  I just knew I needed to get this over with.  I dragged myself out of my car, threw my backpack over my shoulders and slowly made the ways through the high school doors.  First person I ran into was Doddie.  Doddie is my best friend, and has been for years.  We talk about everything.  She knew how much I liked Charlie, but I hadn't gotten around to telling her about the previous days experience.  I wasn't sure how she was going to react.  We were both pretty conservative people, but she was the best friend that didn't think dating in high school was a necessity.  You better believe we went around and around about that one!  I avoided telling her about what had to be done right at the first light of the morning.  I figured I should give her some time for her coffee to kick in before I bombarded her with news.  I know what your thinking, a sophomore in high school needs coffee, but at the time, it was our thing.  Actually, I don't think that has ever changed.  Anyway, we made small best friend talk, while avoiding talking about Charlie, which let me tell you was not the easiest thing I had ever done.  When the first bell rang I was relieved that I had gotten through the first part of the morning without seeing Charlie.  Maybe today wouldn't be as bad as I thought.  Just when relief started to sink in, my nerves hit the roof when Charlie came up behind me and put his hand in the small of my back.
"Good morning beautiful, how are you?"
"I am fine," I replied hurriedly as I jerked away.
"Is everything OK?" He asked with worry in his voice.
"I'm fine." I replied shortly, "I just got to get to class."
"I will walk you," he said with slight question in his voice, as if I were a fragile baby and he was trying not to drop me.
"No, its OK, I have to stop by the library anyway, but thanks." I said while walking away.
"OK, well maybe lunch?" He asked hopefully.
"No, sorry I have plans, but I got to go, I will talk to you soon."
"Well, that went well," I thought. 
I escaped quickly to class.  As I sat through another long boring lecture about lava rocks and volcanoes, my mind wondered back to the previous day.  I loved holding hands, but something just wasn't quite right.  I felt suffocated.  I felt like I didn't know what was going on.  Maybe you should try again.  No, I thought, I cant.  The entire science class was a worthless.  I would have learned more by sleeping, at least then my mind would have been soaking up what the teachers mono tone voice was saying, but instead my mind was racing from one track to the other and none of the tracks consisted of science unfortunately.
As the bell rang I was walking out of class and bumped into Mike. 
"Hey, hows it going?" He asked.
"Hey, not to bad," I replied.
"Really, you sound like you could be better?" He questioned.
"Probably could," I shrugged.
"You want to talk about it?" He asked.
"Ya, ya that would be good."
"How about lunch?" He asked.
"Its a date," I replied.
"Good, see you at 12:05," as he walked away.
"Good, someone who might understan... Oh my goodness.. that's brilliant.. actually that's beyond brilliant.. " I thought to myself as I skipped down the hall.
"Rorey, where are you going?" Doddie asked with confusion in her voice.
"Over the river and through the woods to lunch I go," I chimed in.
"It's only second period my love," she reminded me.
"Oh, right, I was just so excited I forgot," I shrugged.
"Excited about what?" she asked.
"My brilliant, my actually beyond brilliant idea." I replied.
"Oh boy, another plan... this is never good," she exclaimed. 
"Oh my love, don't you worry, this is going to be good." I said with excitement.
I walked down the hall in a daze as the new plan started to take root in my mind. The wheels were turing.. this had to be done right... if only I had became proficient in shooting pistols...